new mom survival guide
To the new mom, especially that of their first child:
I see you, I feel you, I hear you. I want to get to know you!
For some women it’s an instant love and quick transition and recovery, for others it’s a confusing time and challenging recovery. For many, it’s somewhere in between. Regardless of the experience you’ve had or will have, you, my friend, are not alone.
My transition from pregnant and expecting to this new role as “mom” was challenging, confusing and, quite honestly, miserable for a short while there. I write this not to scare the new mom, but to create a space where your feelings can be shared and validated if you experience(d) anything similar.
It’s hard for me to talk about this. Part of me feels guilty for how my experience played out. As I went from 40 weeks and 3 days pregnant to a new mom holding her first born baby…it just didn’t go as I expected. People kept telling me it was the hormones and yes, every woman’s body after birth has a WHAT THE HECK reaction as the hormones that were in abundance suddenly plummet, but I knew immediately that my mental state was different than the average.
Labor and delivery, I don’t even know where to start, but nothing went according to plan (I didn’t really have a plan going into it but had a general idea of how I wanted to labor and had practiced and prepared for pushing). I’ll discuss in further detail when post our birth story so you all get the low down! Long story short, miss Adelynn decided to cause some drama before her big debut, which resulted in a draining day and a half. I had to labor the entire time in bed laying on my left side, interventions I wanted to avoid were needed, I almost was brought down for an emergency C-section, gosh my mind races just thinking back to this all haha. The important thing is that, despite the drama she caused, Adelynn was delivered and everyone was healthy.
As I saw her come out and they placed her in my arms……..you thought I was going to say that I started crying with joy and was overwhelmed with love didn’t you? I love this little girl, SO MUCH, but I had quite the opposite reaction. I had the greatest sense of fear and anxiety come over me, I even thought to myself “oh no, this is real, what the heck did we get ourselves into?” Please don’t judge me.
I spent nine months picturing this moment, them handing me the baby girl I carried and loved so much. I pictured it as a beautiful moment, full of joy, love, and happy tears. I know for many moms, this is the case, but it wasn’t for me. I honestly hate that it wasn’t. I feel so bad it wasn’t and it’s hard to admit that it wasn’t. The nurses and neonatal specialist quickly swooped her away, as she had given us some scares during labor and delivery. She was healthy as can be and was handed off to daddy, aka Michael, soon after.
Most hospitals have you in a room for labor and delivery, then once the baby has arrived, they move you to a postpartum recovery room. A lot happened during the transition between rooms which, again, I’ll share more in our birth story. Once we made it to the postpartum recovery room, I think I had been awake for over 28 hours, the epidural had obviously worn off, and I was in PAIN from all the manipulation and intervention that was needed during delivery. This pain continued the next few days (weeks), I could hardly sit up in bed without assistance, let alone get out of bed. I couldn’t get up (or even lean over) to change her diapers, or swaddle her, or put her to sleep, or share any of those special moments with her. Mike seriously stepped up and took care of her AND me. Those meconium poops the babies have the first few days, that they say looks like tar? I don’t even know what that looks like because Michael changed all of the diapers. God bless him for his help those first few weeks.
I needed nurse assistance constantly; to go to the bathroom, to stand in the shower, to sit up to attempt to breastfeed or hold the baby. We had to stay an extra night in the hospital, because of me. If she’s out there somewhere, I want to shoutout Cristin, the greatest blessing of a nurse. She helped me more than she knows.
We [finally] made it home and I think I cried for six days straight. Not exaggerating. Breastfeeding was a disaster to begin with, I had no clue why our baby was so fussy, I felt like I was doing everything wrong, I wasn’t getting anything done, it hurt to even just sit, the anxiety took over, I feared everything.
I kept thinking to myself how I always thought of myself as a maternal person. I’m the oldest of my sisters, I grew up babysitting and nannying, I always wanted a baby of my own. Now that she was finally here I was so confused why I felt inadequate. IT WAS SO CONFUSING and it still is.
I say all this because really nothing went as I expected and it was so much harder than I ever could have anticipated, but my personal experience taught me so much. It not only made me a mom to the sweetest little girl on the planet (yes, I’m biased), but it made me stronger, both physically and mentally. And I get to teach that strength to my daughter, who is in my arms as I type this. Yep, I am typing one handed, so I may go back in an edit this again if needed.
Six Survival Tactics For The New Mom
Find a support system - physically, mentally, and emotionally
You are never going to be 100% prepared for the outcome
Don’t forget about yourself - your body and mind are recovering and readjusting
Your way is the right way
If you feel alone in anything, YOU ARE NOT!
There’s always Amazon Prime
Find a support system - physically, mentally, and emotionally
This is SO important. Whether it is a spouse/significant other, family, friends, or medical professional, you need support and you need help. Sure, you are a strong woman and you can handle just about anything you put your mind to, but having some kind of support system is helpful. Your body is recovering from a major event, there is a new little human to care for, and about a million other things going on at the same time. Having someone to talk to, to hold the baby while you take care of yourself, to help keep your surroundings in place (laundry, dishes, vacuum, etc.)…whatever you find helpful, is so important. If any of you feel like you don’t have that kind of support, I am always here to at least talk to! I have found such support and encouragement from some fellow new moms I befriended via instagram, whom I’ve never met in person! We still chat on the daily. Having someone (anyone) to share frustrations, anxieties, questions, and advice with makes the world of a difference.
You are never going to be 100% prepared for the outcome
If this ain’t the truth. People kept asking me when I was pregnant, “are you feeling ready??” and I told myself I would try not to ask others that same question. It stressed me out because going into the process of becoming pregnant, I thought I was more than ready. Then, regardless if you’re “ready” or not, when you get that positive test you still think to yourself, “oh sh*t!,” whether in a joyous or fearful way. Then you go through pregnancy telling yourself that you are ready for this, you’ve taken classes, done your research, you think you know what to expect, you’re ready to not be pregnant anymore. Then the baby comes and everything changes, in an instant. You realize you were never 100% prepared for what just happened. TOTALLY NORMAL. Everyone’s experience with trying to conceive, pregnancy, birth, baby, and postpartum is different, so there is just no way to be completely prepared.
Don’t forget about yourself - your body and mind are recovering and readjusting
People always said delivering a baby is like running a marathon…but coming from someone who has run multiple marathons, it’s much harder, not only the physical exertion, but the emotional (#hormones) and mental toll it takes on you! Regardless what delivery method was used to bring your little one into the world, your body worked its a$$ off in the process. You are recovering from a major procedure. Just like people have different experiences with pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, it’s more of the same with the recovery process. Some women' heal fast and are truly back up and running by 6 weeks, but many (most) take much longer. Shoot, I’m 16 weeks postpartum and still don’t feel “myself” yet. WHATEVER YOU DO, don’t short cut your recovery. Take is slow, give yourself time, and give yourself lots of grace. Use the dang peri bottle, do the sitz bath if recommended, don’t jump back to exercise too soon, keep yourself hydrated and eat enough, see a women’s specialist or mental health therapist if you need to. Please - don’t forget about YOU. Your baby is your world now, but you’re still living in it, take care of yourself! Hear me out; you grew that baby for nine (or more) months, it is not expected for you to just “bounce back” within those first six weeks postpartum. Can we normalize a longer recovery period??? Cool.
Your way is the right way
There are a million and one resources out there (sleep training, feeding methods, baby products, etc.) that make you feel like there is a “right” way to do things, but in the end, the way you do things is the right way. All of these resources are great and many are worth it, at least as a starting point, but you have to understand that you need to take little pieces from each resource and apply it to your reality and figure out what works best for you and your baby. For sleep I did Taking Cara Babies courses, read Moms On Call, tried about 12 different swaddles/sleep sacks and you know what? I think about it now and we aren’t following any one of those methods. We have taken bits and pieces and meshed them together to create our own way, a way that is [somewhat] working for us. The whole breastfeeding experience, once I took the pressure off myself after seeing the lactation consultant, trying different products, and being OCD with a feeding schedule, that’s when it started working out. I’ve said it already, but everyone’s experience is different and every baby is different. There is never going to be one way that works for everyone. Man, I hate when there isn’t one right answer, but it’s the truth. You and your baby will figure it out together. I have nothing but confidence in you girl.
If you feel alone in anything, YOU ARE NOT!
Every part of the process of becoming pregnant and having a baby can bring on feelings of loneliness or isolation. Whether it is difficulty conceiving, pregnancy after loss, pregnancy in general, being a new mom, and postpartum, feelings of loneliness can occur. I have been pretty open on social media about the realities and struggles I’ve experienced, but by sharing these things I have connected with so many people. People I talk to on a normal basis, others I haven’t talked to in years, and even some brand new people I’ve never met in person. All those times where I have felt alone, I learned that someone else had experienced it too or something similar. Don’t be afraid to talk to someone and express what you’re going through because I guarantee you will come across someone who can relate to your situation. Hey, hi, hello, I’m always here!
P.S. Those of you trying to conceive, pregnant, experiencing loss, delivering, or new moms during this COVID pandemic…I feel you. I don’t even know how to properly articulate my feelings, but if you’ve gone through it, you get it. I get you.
There’s always Amazon Prime
You can “have everything” but not have the things you really need. I was just talking to someone about this the other day. If you are pregnant and your due date is just around the corner, don’t fret. Obviously you want to be prepared and have the main things you will need, such as something for the baby to wear, something for the baby to sleep in, and whatever you need to feed the baby, but don’t too crazy and buy everything people suggest. You don’t want to end up with too much, because then it just becomes overwhelming. You never know how long they will fit in things, which swaddle they don’t break out of within 15 seconds, if they’ll even take a pacifier, what lotion will work, which diapers won’t leak. What I’m trying to say is, don’t buy too much stuff because, more than likely, you will reassess once the baby is in your arms and figure out what is actually needed and what your baby likes! Amazon Prime that stuff and BOOM at your doorstep the next day.
I know that was a lot. I could have shared so much more but I tried to keep it concise.
I would love your feedback and/or to connect with you, feel free to contact me or message me on Instagram (@_caliryan)!
xoxo Cali